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My blog is moving ~  check out the new site and subscribe to get email updates at www.theothersideofnormal.com

Simply click the link above and re-subscribe at the new site!    If  I don’t hear from you, I’ll be sending you an email to confirm the new subscription.  Watch for it! 

Couldn’t do it without you guys… so come on over and let’s continue the journey.   I have so much to tell you.  🙂

Becki

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Happy Mother’s Day

If your child could tell you this, he or she would. 

This is for all  the angels out there struggling every single day ~

Becki

A Different Ability

I sit in my newly cleaned office, listening to Tony through the ceiling.  He’s reciting a movie, word-for-word, and having a ball upstairs.  The feelings I have are so extreme.  One minute I’m laughing with him, and the next my thoughts are wondering off on how others his age are getting ready for prom, and senior skip day, getting jobs and choosing colleges.  It’s bitter-sweet, as I sit here totally entertained by his Hollywood performance. 

I ran across something that has really helped me over the years and I thought I’d share it with you all.  It’s incredibly insightful and I hope it helps you all understand more about autism.

(Taken from “10 Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew” by Ellen Notbohm)

I am a child with autism.  I am not ‘autistic’.  My autism is only one aspect of my total character.  It does not define me as a person.

My sensory perceptions are disordered.  This means the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday life that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me.

Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I’m not able to).  Receptive and expressive languages are both difficult for me.  It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions.  It’s that I can’t understand you.  When you call me from across the room, this is what I hear: #$%^&*.  Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words.  “Please put your book in your desk, Tony.  It’s time to go to lunch.”  This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next.  Now it is much easier for me to comply.

I am a concrete thinker.  I interpret language literally.  Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres and sarcasm are lost on me.

Be patient with my limited vocabulary.  It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings.  I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused, but right now, those words are beyond my ability to express.  Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation, or other signs that something is wrong.

There is, however a flip side to this:  I may sound like a little professor or a movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age.  These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits.  I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using.  Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented.  Show me how to do something rather than just telling me.  And please be prepared to show me many times.  Lots of patient repetition helps me learn.  Visual schedules, day planners, and other visual supports are extremely helpful as I move through my day.

Focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do.  Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however constructive, becomes something to be avoided.  Look for my strengths and you’ll find them.  There’s more than one right way to do most things.

Help me with social interactions.  It may look like I don’t want to be social, but I may not know how to start a conversation or enter a situation.  If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them I may be delighted to be included.

Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns.  This is termed “the antecedent”.  Meltdowns, blowups, tantrums, or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you.  They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload.  If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented.

If you are a family member, please love me unconditionally.  Banish thoughts such as “if he would just…” and “why can’t he…?”  You didn’t fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it.

It all comes down to three words:  Patience.  Patience.  Patience.

Work to view my autism as a different ability, rather than a disability.  Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me.    

Words to live by…

Becki

World Autism Awareness Day

Be sure to go to this website:  http://www.lightitupblue.org  and watch the slide show for breathtaking pictures of landmarks all over the world that changed their colors to blue for autism awareness.   Incredible pictures!

Signs and symptoms of autism:

1.  Has difficulty mixing with other children

2.  Acts deaf

3.  Resists learning

4.  Has no fear of real dangers

5.  Giggles and laughs inappropriately

6.  Is markedly overactive

7.  Resists change in routine

8.  Indicates needs by gestures

9.  Is not cuddly

10. Avoids eye contact

11.  Manifests inappropriate attachment to objects

12.  Spins objects

13.  Plays intently for abnormally long periods

14.  Has standoffish manner

**children may have some or all of these symptoms**

Thank you for helping me spread awareness… one reader, one household at a time.

Becki

The top 10 things to do when everyone else is on spring break

Seriously.  My neighborhood is deserted.  This is just not right.

So here are my Top 10 Things to do When Everyone Else has Fled the Cold:

10.  Get a manicure and pedicure — ask for the tropical package. 

9.  Catch up on your Facebook creeping.  Wear your sunglasses as a disguise

8.  Pick up the dog poo in the yard that has now surfaced from melting snow.  Wear shorts and sandals.

7.  Deep clean the oven in your bathing suit.  Feel the heat.

6.  Go to happy hour and order a Sea Breeze or Bahama Mama.  Bring your beach hat

5.  Drive with your convertible top down sporting mittens and a parka.  Wear sunscreen strictly for the coconut smell.   

4.  Color your gray roots.  Put a little lemon juice on there too, in case a sunbeam comes through the window.  

3.  Sweep the sand in the garage into a pile, put up lawn chairs, and light your Tiki lights from last summer.  Play “Margaritaville” loudly.

2.  Take a mental vacation.  Watch “Couple’s Retreat”.  It takes place in Bora Bora.  Sip a fruity cocktail. 

AND, THE #1 THING TO DO WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS ON SPRING BREAK:

1.  Research destinations for next year’s spring break trip.  Book the sitter. 

~  That’s all I’m sayin’.   There is simply nothing like beach therapy.  I need to go to my happy place. 

Becki

 

Tony turns 18

It’s always hard for a parent to celebrate milestone birthdays with their kids — like turning 18 yrs old — because deep down, we still see them as our adorable little munchkins.   It would be so wonderful to be able to scoop him up in my arms, squeeze his cheek next to mine in front of the mirror and say “Who’s so handsome?”  —  “Me am!”  he say smiling proudly. 

Except there will be no scooping up a 190 pound- 6 foot- 18-year-old this year. 

Instead, I had asked Tony months ago to think about what his 18-year-birthday-wish would be.  And I would try hard to make that wish come true.

Tony turned 18 yrs old on St. Patrick’s day.  We’ve been talking about it for some time now, and his anxiety was climbing.  He was so excited to wake up that day.  He rushed into my bathroom and looked straight into the mirror saying “Bigger?”   He shower, shaved, and got all dressed up in green.  I love it when he understands milestones.

His wish this year was as simple as last year.  He only wanted one thing.  He wanted to go stay at a hotel.  AND he wanted to bring Beau.  

Simple, right?  Well… kind of.

It took a few phone calls to find a hotel that not only accepts pets — but one that would accept our 100 pound lab!   We found one not too far from our house.  I booked two adjoining rooms, so Tony feel grown up and independent.  I also wanted to make sure he had his own space to set up his DVD’s and books, and have his snacks,  yet not be disrupted by any outside noises.  It was just how he liked it.  A perfect night.

Beau settled in pretty quickly — he got a little TOO comfortable, as you can see.   But all in all, it was a great night.  Just Tony, his dog, his family (in the next room) and his new DVD collection.   And as requested, we picked up Don Pablos chips and salsa, a chicken fajita, popcorn and a gluten-free chocolate cake.

So while Tony and Beau settled into their own room to watch his new World War I, World War II, and Classic Hollywood DVDs, the rest of us were in the adjoining room watching a Harry Potter marathon.  What a great way to spend a Saturday night together… well, kind of together.  🙂

Becki

St. Patty’s Day just won’t be the same

We lost Tony’s Grandma Pat on Feb. 28th to what we believe was literally a broken heart.  As you recall, Grandpa Gene died last September and we were so proud of how Tony handled the funeral and his death.  Just five short months later, Grandpa Gene’s wife of 55 years joined him in heaven.  Grandma Pat had a heart attack while attending Mass that Sunday morning.   Looking back we can now see the signs that her heart was failing – in more ways than one. 

It’s a beautiful story, actually.  Grandma Pat had started to tell us that she was talking to Grandpa Gene.  That she would dream about him, talk to him, and then finally she was “seeing” him in the living room.  He had come for her.  And I truly think that her heart was so lonely for him and the life they had, that she was ready to go with him.

Patricia Catherine Hanna Becker was “100% Irish”  — and very proud of it!  I’ll never forget the day our Tony was born.  She couldn’t have been prouder.  Tony (Anthony Patrick Becker) was born on St. Patrick’s Day 1993, and I believe my mother-in-law was in our room about 2 minutes after he was born bearing all things Irish.  🙂   

Having just been through the funeral experience, Tony was once again a trooper.  We had a private viewing for him and he was so very sad.  You can see by the picture below that he had a very serious look on his face.  He understood he was saying goodbye forever.  We celebrated her life with a theme of green and even made sure she was wearing her shamrock socks. 

Later that week, I found Tony reading this in one of his Book of Saints:

“Why a shamrock?

St. Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Trinity, and has been associated with him and the Irish since that time.

St. Patrick was a humble, pious, gentle man, whose love and total devotion to and trust in God should be a shining example to each of us. He feared nothing, not even death, so complete was his trust in God, and of the importance of his mission.”
St. Patrick

We’ll miss you, Grandma Pat…  and we promise to carry on your wishes and to ALWAYS celebrate all things IRISH!

In loving memory:   Patricia Hanna Becker 

                    April 23, 1934 – February 28, 2011

Becki

Shine a light on Autism

Sorry for the lapse in posts…   we have had a tough week here.   I truly appreciate the emails and support checking in with me.  I’ll update you shortly.  In the meantime, I received this email from Autism Speaks that I wanted to share with all my loyal readers:

“Hi Friend,

The community we’ve built together has a powerful voice, and Autism Speaks annual Light It Up Blue event is our chance to use it.

On the evenings of April 1 and 2, 2011, prominent buildings around the world — including the Empire State Building in New York City and the Sydney Opera House in Australia — will turn their lights blue to raise awareness for autism and to commemorate World Autism Awareness Day on Saturday, April 2.

You’ve helped us provide much needed support and advocacy for individuals with autism and their families. Will you now help us light up the world for them?

Sign the pledge to raise autism awareness:

http://action.autismspeaks.org/thepledge

Small actions we take, like wearing blue clothing, featuring the Light It Up Blue logo on our Facebook profiles, and writing blog posts about how we’re participating in Light It Up Blue, can add up to a united movement. And our movement can hit every town across America this year — will you help us make our mark?

Sign the pledge today to help Autism Speaks Light It Up Blue this year:

http://action.autismspeaks.org/thepledge

Thank you for everything you do to help us — and each other.

Sincerely,

Mark Roithmayr
President, Autism Speaks”

Let’s rally together and show our support. Click on the link and spread the word.  We need to raise awareness!   🙂

Lighting it up blue for autism,

Becki

More Tonyisms

A typical conversation at bedtime:

“I’m sick for the school tomorrow,”  Tony announces as I tuck his weighted blanket in on top of him. 

“What about Rachel? She will miss you”,  I say smiling.

“He’s sick.”   (pronouns are still hard for him)

“SHE’S not sick, silly.  What about Michelle?  She’ll miss you too”

“He’s sick.”

“SHE’S sick”, I say —- yet again —–  as I correct him.

“YES!  He’s sick! Are you nuts?”   (a lovely phrase he now uses at all times when he doesn’t like what I have to say.  And now he’s testing my patience…)

“Well, what about Rob and Nick?”,  I ask.

“Sick. And sick.”

“Hmmm… Well, then… we can’t go to see Marni tomorrow.  That’s a bummer.”   (Marni cuts his hair – she’s very pretty — and he loves her)

(Long pause)

“How ’bout school?”   (I smile and leave the room)

(10 minutes later…)

“Mommy!  Mommy!  Can you hear me?”  he yells as he knocks on the wall.  (he only calls me Mommy when he wants something)

“Yes, Tony.  What do you need?” I say loudly through the wall.

“Good night, Mommy.  (pause)  Mommy?  Mooommmmy?  Come in here now, PLEASE!”

I get out of bed and walk in his room….   “Yes?”, I sigh

“Go see Marni?”  he whispers.

“Yes, Tony… We’ll see Marni tomorrow.  Go to sleep now”  I say shutting the door.

(5 mins later)

“Mommy?   Moooommmy?”  He says loudly as he knocks on the wall… again.

“GOOD NIGHT, TONY!”  I say with my best patient hat on.

“Good night, Mommy!”

This continues for a bit and he finally falls asleep. 

(I’m seriously considering some sleep medication… for ME!)  🙂

Becki

Tonyisms

Our Tony is famous in our family for creating his own expressions.    Since his language literally disappeared between the ages of 1 and 2, he has never really caught up — despite the triumphant efforts of many speech therapists, teachers and family.  How he has coped is by creating his own one or two liners — what we lovingly call “Tonyisms”. 

I’ll share some of these along the way, but yesterday’s made me smile.  Just thought I’d share it with you.

Tony was getting ready for the day in our bathroom yesterday, as usual, and I heard some rattling.  He came down to the kitchen carrying 3 light bulbs from the vanity. 

He hands them to me and proudly says, “The battery’s out!”

Ya gotta love this guy.

Becki